tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3249687911247481070.post7863594322900966696..comments2023-05-01T06:30:10.948-07:00Comments on JJ Ritonya: Sunset once again available!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09796279434396201876noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3249687911247481070.post-54258187068831969972009-06-15T12:33:19.481-07:002009-06-15T12:33:19.481-07:00Good, I suspect, and this is my suspicion only, of...Good, I suspect, and this is my suspicion only, of course, that you can build much more with your work if you take the plunge, and find a mentor. I also suggest you write short stories and start submitting them to any and all markets. Good luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3249687911247481070.post-35291074715613402862009-06-15T10:10:52.703-07:002009-06-15T10:10:52.703-07:00Thanks for your comments. I welcome all constructi...Thanks for your comments. I welcome all constructive criticism and try to learn from it. It helps much more than criticism for criticism's sake.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09796279434396201876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3249687911247481070.post-39297205640707684032009-06-13T21:42:28.705-07:002009-06-13T21:42:28.705-07:00Let me give you a brilliant, flash fiction example...Let me give you a brilliant, flash fiction example of a perfect first person story.<br /><br />Notice the details used, how smooth and logical the story flows, and how much "music" this writing taps. Aspire to <br /><br />this, and follow my original advice. go to an in-person workshop, with at least one legitimately published author, <br /><br />let them tear you a new one, and learn from the experience. Read what's below.<br /><br /><br />In Dublin, One almost got away.<br /><br />He was halfway out the door when they caught Him, the spikes cast aside, His wounds already healed. It took five <br /><br />strong men to hold Him to the cross while the others drove the nails back in.<br /><br />I know how hard it must have been. I had cross-watch duty at our church (St. Luke's) last Friday, when Ours awoke <br /><br />and I had to hammer back the spikes. I'll never forget the look of betrayal on His face, the blood from His crown <br /><br />of thorns trickling down into His accusing eyes. He turned back to wood that way, still facing me.<br /><br />He didn't stop bleeding.<br /><br />We've grown used to the blood, all of us. When the crisis first started, we had to dump the buckets once a week. <br /><br />Now we have to do it twice a day, and soon we'll be doing it every hour.<br /><br />But the worst time was when He came alive Sunday morning, while Minister Farley was reading from John. It took Him <br /><br />almost a half-hour to turn back, the sound of the hammers and His screams drowning out the sermon. The congregation <br /><br />had left as fast as they could, their eyes wide with terror and shock.<br /><br />I pray every night, and when I pray I think about the look in His eyes. I pray desperately for guidance, for a sign <br /><br />that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm still worthy of salvation. And yet I still feel the fear, the cold <br /><br />uncertainty that grips my every waking hour.<br /><br />But we dare not stop now. I saw pictures of the congregation of St. Jude, the one that let Him escape, the blood <br /><br />oozing from the wounds that appeared in their hands and legs. I saw their faces twisted in pain from the stigmata, <br /><br />their eyes blinded with blood from their invisible crown of thorns, and knew what we had to do.<br /><br />No one knows how it started, what war or genocide finally tipped the scales against our redemption. All we know is <br /><br />that the period for our grace, once given so freely, has now expired, and the Savior upon which we have all leaned <br /><br />for 2,000 years now wishes an end to His sorrows. Dear Jesus, please forgive us, but we cannot let You go. Is it <br /><br />any wonder that we, frail creatures that we are, run from the shadow of our own Golgotha? Our sins are many, and we <br /><br />dare not bear the weight of our crosses alone.<br /><br />And so I watch when I have to watch, and nail when I have to nail. And pray.<br /><br />In fact, I pray now more than ever, four or five hours every night. I pray fervently that Our Lord's bleeding will <br /><br />stop, and that neither I, nor anyone else, will have to see those accusing eyes, or drive in those nails, ever <br /><br />again. And most of all, I pray that there is still salvation, that mankind has not filled our world with so much <br /><br />blood that even the infinite mercy of Our Savior can no longer contain it all.<br /><br />And still the words of Luke 23:34 haunt me, for though those Roman soldiers may not have known what they were <br /><br />doing, dear God, we most certainly do.<br /><br /><br />JJ, if after this you don't heed my advice, then you're lost. It's hard to develop your writing at nearly middle <br /><br />age, especially when you don't take an honest look at your work. Good luck, either way.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3249687911247481070.post-37918541875735186392009-06-13T21:42:04.256-07:002009-06-13T21:42:04.256-07:00Alright, you don't listen to reason, so let me...Alright, you don't listen to reason, so let me show you what a difference an editor can make even in your <br /><br />professionally unedited writing.<br /><br />Your version, chapter 1, paragraph 2:<br /><br />It happened two days ago when I was walking home from work. Since graduating from high school two<br />years ago, I have worked at Movie Time, the local movie rental store. It’s a cool job when the jackass<br />manager isn’t yelling at me to get to work. I get to watch the newest movies before anyone else in town<br />and they are free for employees to rent. I also don’t have to do very much. I basically put tapes away<br />and run the cash register.<br /><br /><br />Edited version:<br /><br />It happened two days ago when I was walking home from work. The whole world changed then.<br /><br />I graduated from Meyerson High School two years ago. I knew college wasn't for me, so I took a job at Movie Time, <br /><br />working the cash register, renting videos, selling movies; sitting on my ass when I can, watching the latest <br /><br />releases when I want, avoiding the mangager, Joe, a dude who was only four years older than me, and a total <br /><br />jackass. Joe thinks he's cool because he wears a goatee, and sports a leather jacket, like Brando in The Wild <br /><br />Ones.<br /><br /><br />Again, JJ, your writing has no bite, no foreshadowing of events as they unfold. You're trying to link things <br /><br />together that have no link, and because you're providing no color, or background for characters, setting, or even <br /><br />the plot, this book reads as very dull.<br /><br />It takes a lot of skill to write in the first person to not make the mistakes of timing, or the balancing act of <br /><br />switching between viewpoint characters and keeping their personalities separate. You haven't succeeded. These are <br /><br />the problems you clearly can see in your second paragraph (and I picked this one at random, because it's worse than <br /><br />the first one).<br /><br />Your version, chapter 1, paragraph 2:<br /><br />It happened two days ago when I was walking home from work (What happened? You need to name "something", be vague, <br /><br />but draw the reader in with a bit of dread, ever heard of "in medias res?"). Since graduating from high school two<br />years ago (which high school?, is it that Chad doesn't remember? Or it's not worth mentioning?), I have worked at <br /><br />Movie Time, the local movie rental store (There's only one movie rental place? Your language here is way too <br /><br />generic). It’s a cool job when the jackass<br />manager (what's the manager's name? Is he fat? A movie buff?)isn’t yelling at me to get to work. I get to watch <br /><br />the newest movies before anyone else in town<br />(I have never, ever heard of a store providing this kind of freedom to their employees; most small places can't <br /><br />afford not to have movies on the shelves for fear that they won't get a rental fee . The logic here doesn't hold <br /><br />water) and they are free for employees to rent (impossible). I also don’t have to do very much. I basically put <br /><br />tapes away<br />and run the cash register.<br /><br />There are so many glaring inconsistencies in your writing. This puts the reading off, and you wouldn't get one <br /><br />paragraph past an editor if you ever decide to submit work to one (and by the way, no publishing house would deign <br /><br />to publish a vanity work--which is what this is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com